Half a Job

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Richard Bach made the following observation in his book Illusions;

“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”

In recent years I have found this idea to be most useful in surviving moments of depression but occasionally, I have found that it does not stimulate the same defensive thoughts and I am left asking myself a much more fundamental question.

Today has been one such day. I have been busier than normal and, having done too much, I am now suffering with both increased pain levels and depression.

I’ve been searching for an answer to the following ‘simple’ question; the problem is the answer is not simple. The question; What is the point of living when you spend most of your life racked in pain and unable to do almost everything you enjoy doing?

I have heard the standard answers, “luckier than others”, “loving family”, “I’m needed”, “almost, isn’t everything”, and “there is hope”….. but to be brutally honest when the chips are down and the spiral of doom is turning the wrong way these answers are not good enough.

I’m exhausted, frightened, angry, depressed and in agony. When our dogs were ill and in pain we made the difficult decision to put them down, the decision was born out of a very deep love for them and a deep desire to end their suffering. I wish with all my heart that our society was not so averse to offering humans the same dignity.

So if there is anyone out there who can answer the question please enlighten me. When you can’t live your life as your true self, what is the point of living?

The best I have come up with thus far is another Richard Bach quote;

“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.”

My poem for today is based on a thought I have had almost every day since my accident;

Half a Job

I wish she’d done a better job,
the woman who hit me.
For if she’d done it properly,
I would not live in misery.

John Carré Buchanan
12 November 2010